Out and Proud: Reflections on 30 Years Bending Straight Rules in International Affairs

In history, 30 years is a blip on the radar of time. But for a gay person, coming out back then feels now like an altogether different time and place. All those years ago, those I loved the most were disappointed and confused. When I came out of the closet, my parents went in. They worried that my being gay was throwing away any possibility of a successful and happy life. Their struggle to understand is a reaction many LGBTQI+ people face today or worse. 

I joined the World Bank Group, where I met the woman who would become my wife. We had two children, a milestone for any parent and, in this case, for the Bank Group. We were the first gay couple at the Bank to have kids. Other couples followed, and the Bank began formulating fully inclusive policies for LGBTQI+ employees and their families.

Whether we chose to be or not, we were trailblazers on the long road to shared healthcare, marriage recognition, adoption, and surrogacy leave. As our family grew gratefully, it came with the support of colleagues, bosses, and boards of directors. This month, our firstborn, the impetus of many firsts in so many other ways, graduates high school and will be off to university in the fall. 

I went on to work for the United Nations, proudly serving under Secretaries-General Ban Ki-Moon and Antonio Guterres, both defenders of LGBT rights as human rights. The UN campaign “Free and Equal” is essential in a world where draconian legislation in Uganda, heated rhetoric in Kenya, and shameless homophobia used as a political tool in the United States make recent headlines. 

For me and many others, daily challenges persist. A gay woman in a position of power transgresses multiple normative standards: Where a man may be seen as decisive and strong, a woman, especially a queer woman, may be seen as bossy and abrasive. I encounter some who view my sexuality as the reason to disagree with my analysis, not my two-plus decades of substantive political and global expertise.

I am currently the dean of The Fletcher School at Tufts University. In this role, I have seen students face challenges like mine in some ways but more complex in others. My office is a safe place for them to share their concerns. Building an international career as an LGBTQI+ person in an uncertain world is a far dicier dance, with the fear of backlash and discrimination constantly at their backs. 

They have practical concerns: will their sexuality hamper career progression if they cannot work and live in certain countries? How will they maintain the emotional energy of gauging a room, or a work situation, before allowing themselves to be fully honest about how they live or their families? 

When students now ask me how to build their careers, especially in countries where the fight for personal freedom is ongoing, I remind them: that there will be significant steps forward and steps back. But, fundamentally, working for a company or institution where they are free to be themselves is paramount. 

I also have found another way to inspire them if the constant theme of grit, fight, and determination feels heavy. I show them photos of my wife, son, and daughter, the three tangible things I thought I could never one day have, those 30 years ago. And as I continue to face my challenges, sometimes I look at those photos through the lens of what I have been through, fought for, and achieved – and I remind myself I am still here.

This reflection originally appeared as a post on Dean Kyte's LinkedIn.